


Say You'll Remember Me

by pinklights



Series: buckynat cinematic universe [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Because fuck Age of Ultron, F/M, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Light Angst, Marvel 616 References, Marvel Universe, Mild Smut, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Trauma, Re: Natasha's Training, Red Room (Marvel), Red Room Training, Unexpected Fluff, buckynat - Freeform, idk how tags, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-30 20:00:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19034635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinklights/pseuds/pinklights
Summary: When Natasha Romanoff was young, she trained under the Red Room. There, she underwent years of brainwashing and rigorous training and had risen through the ranks as she became their best student. She was on top of her game. Only knocked down because of the change in staff, the arrival of a man with the metal arm.The Winter Soldier was pulled out of cryostasis as the Black Widow program's final test. He was to train them to perfection before they were allowed to graduate. The Winter Soldier was an unshakable force, that is until one of the trainees started talking him up.-AKA The Buckynat Red Room Fic No One Asked for But is Here to Save the Day





	1. Chapter 1

The first time she saw him, she thought she was imagining things. She'd been walking back to her room from the showers, drying her hair with a fluffy towel, when he walked past her in the hallway. He was being escorted by one of the guards, there was a vacant look in his eyes. Something on him was reflecting a bit of the light - a metal arm. She went to sleep trying to figure out how that could be possible. She's seen prosthetics before but none of them were quite like it. She dismissed it and went to sleep. It wasn't her problem.  
  
Except, she'd soon find out, that it _was_. The next day when she and the other girls in the program were lined up for training, the man with the metal arm walked in following behind their usual trainer.  
  
"You girls are all grown up now and it's time for you to face new challenges," the trainer said. "From here on out, the Winter Soldier will be in charge of some of your training."  
  
_Winter Soldier._ He didn't even have a name, although she figured that wasn't the strangest part about him. He was to assist and asses for a few days before completely taking over their combat and weapons training. Natalia was curious about him, but not enough to be distracted. The Red Room did not allow distraction.  
  
She carried on as she usually did, beating other girls in combat, disarming firearms faster than everyone else, target practice was a breeze. She's been doing this longer than some of the other girls have. She was their number one. So it came as a shock to her that she came out of the gymnasium bloodied and bruised because she dared challenge the Soldier to spar. It had been to assess them further, and all the other trainees looked a lot worse than her, but she couldn't even get a punch in. She's fought people larger than him before but he was quick and sharp, all while maintaining the vacancy in his eyes. She was convinced he was some sort of machine.  
  
Until one day when he actually helped her get back up on her feet. It was a strange gesture of kindness Natalia didn't expect. He didn't offer that to the other girls, much to their confusion. In her mind, his help made her look weak. She didn't take his hand the next time he offered. She wasn't weak. Weakness got you killed in the Red Room.  
  
It was during the dead of winter that she caught the soldier eating at the commissary by himself. The kitchen was serving hot stew that day. Funny, she didn't even consider that he ate anything. While she knew she shouldn't, she sat down with her hot tea across from him. It's been two months since his arrival. He knew who she was by then.  
  
"Soldat."  
  
"Natalia."  
  
He avoided her eyes from some reason, suddenly a hundred times more focused on the food as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. She knew for a fact that it wasn't. The food was always so bland. Natalia let her eyes wander, taking the chance to take note of his features. She barely got to look at his face when they were training.  
  
He had a square jaw and he let his facial hair grow out for the cold season. There was a permanent crease on his forehead from frowning too much. And his eyes were what she imagined the ocean would look like.  
  
She didn't even notice that he was done eating until he got up and took his tray from the table.  
  
"Natalia."  
  
"Soldat."  
  
He nodded once and left to put the tray back where it belonged and spared her one last glance before he exited the commissary. Natalia only grew more curious about the man. He didn't look at her the way some of the staff there did - either with resentment or fear, or something more disgusting that she didn't even want to think about. She couldn't decide if she liked how unreadable he was.

 

* * *

  
  
Natalia often trained during her free time. Some girls resorted to books or the small collection of films available at the facility but Natalia liked improving herself. _That_ was her hobby. Lights out for the girls was in an hour and she was still throwing punches onto a sandbag. She knew he was there, the metal arm caught the light when he first came in about five minutes ago.  
  
She let out a breath and wiped the sweat off her forehead, making a show of exhaustion before turning to him.  
  
"Soldat." She greeted. "Working out late?"  
  
They've never had a conversation that wasn't about proper posture or fighting techniques. That morning he told them that kicking an opponent off of things was much more efficient than pushing or throwing. Something about balance and body weight.  
  
"Yes." They practiced their English with him too. At first, he spoke in Russian mostly, but his infliction gave him away. He wasn't a native speaker. Instruction changed to English as a way to prepare the girls. He was to correct their accents, mostly, grammar was already perfect.  
  
"Need someone to spot you?"  
  
"No." He said plainly. Natalia shrugged and started unwrapping her fists as he made his way over to the punching bag. Ever since he got there, they changed the usual sandbags into reinforced ones.  
  
She could feel her sweat rolling down the back of her neck as she released her hair from the ponytail she had on. She could feel other things too. Like how he was staring.  
  
"I'm sorry. I did not know you were waiting for me to leave."  
  
The Soldier said nothing and began wrapping his own knuckles, both flesh and metal. She was about to head for the door when he spoke again, his tone not as clipped and steady this time, as if an actual human being was speaking.  
  
"Your form is good, you just have to be faster."  
  
She nodded. "How do I go about doing that? I'm already trying my best."  
  
He let out a sound that was in between a scoff and a chuckle before starting with his punches. "No, you're not."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You've become complacent. Being on top means no one was challenging you for a long time."  
  
Natalia stood quietly and watched him, waited for him to go on. He was trying to trick her, surely, because all of her other teachers were clearly impressed with her scores. Was _he_ not?  
  
"Try harder." The bag was taking a beating. Every time his metal fist connected with it, it would swing away. "You can do better is what I'm saying. Push yourself."  
  
"Thank you for your feedback. I'll try harder." Natalia usually took criticism well, but she knew her own strengths. This man has only been here a couple of months and he was lecturing her about _speed_ of all things?  
  
She gave him a curt nod and started walking away. When she looked back at him, he was resting his forehead against the bag and muttering something to himself with a strange expression on his face, as if he was whining about something. She couldn't hear what but she made it her mission to beat him on the mat the next day. He wanted her to be faster? She'll give him exactly that.

However, the Soldier didn't come to training the next day. He didn't come the day after that either, or the following days after. This confused her. She wanted to know where he'd gone off to. She knew the Winter Soldier had missions away from the Red Room so his disappearance shouldn't have surprised her, but she found herself looking for him anyway. She wouldn't admit this to herself though. He was just a trainer. 

It would be thirteen days before he got back, not that Natalia was counting or anything, and his long hair had been cut short, his facial hair gone. He looked a lot younger than when she first saw him. Instead of looking vacant as he used to during training, he looked more determined, with a purpose. They trained as if not a single day passed between them and she tried out her new tricks on him. He was still stronger than her, definitely, but she had gotten faster. She managed to have him pinned on the floor at the end of a session, something the girls both loved and hated her for.

She found him again that night in the training room, much like how he was during the last night she saw him before he disappeared. She was already in her sleep clothes - gray sweat pants and a sweater - and was just coming back on her way from the commissary where she asked for water. They didn't give her any.

"Good to see you again, Soldat." She commented cautiously as she slowly made her way over to him.

"Natalia." He greeted back, not paying her much attention.

"Well, what do you think? Fast enough?" Natalia tilted her head to the side, a grin plastered on her face. Being the only one of the girls to have taken down the Soldier was something to be proud of.

"What?" He continued with his punches but they were coming slower now. "You've always been fast."

The grin slowly faded from Natalia's lips and she stood up straight. "You told me I needed to be faster."

"When did I say that?" The soldier stopped picking on the bag then and looked at her, confusion evident on his face. 

Natalia was confused as well but she kept herself from showing that. Was this another test? "The night before you left. You told me I needed to be better."

"Left? I've been here."

"You were gone for almost two weeks, Soldat." She took another step towards him, worried that he might fall over with the storm that was forming behind his eyes. He took a step back and looked directly at her now. 

"Natalia."

"Yes?"

"Speak of this to no one." He walked past her, unwrapping his wrists and throwing the wraps on the floor in frustration as he made his way to the exit. All she could do was watch him, unsure of what was going on and of what to do.

"Is there anything wrong?"

"No." He paused by the door and looked at her one last time before ducking out. 

How could he not know that he's been gone for days? The man continued to pique Natalia's interest, but at the same time, she was worried about him. Again, she wouldn't admit this to herself, but she was. She's never seen that much emotion in his face, he's always been so distant, so careful with the way he presented himself to her and the girls. They were to see him as nothing but a machine to train them, not an individual, definitely not a human being with feelings.

Natalia went to bed that night thinking about him, how confused he looked, how she wanted to reach for his face as her own gesture of kindness. It was foolish, she knew, but she allowed herself to drift off to sleep with him in her thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is... long. I apologize.

Natalia had a mission.

She's had missions before, minor ones - extract information here, kill a man there - they were easy enough. She usually went alone because they never took her more than a day to complete. However, this time she was to tail a Russian ambassador in Paris and figure out who he's been selling Russian intelligence to. The mission would take about three or four days tops. Once she found out who the buyer was, she was to eliminate the ambassador. _Again,_  she thought,  _easy enough._

Her handlers packed her a bag of clothes which she held onto as she waited outside of the facility for the car that would take her to the airport. It was still winter time but the cold didn't bother her all that much. She was used to it by now. The cold was in her blood. However, when she felt a warm body hovering behind her, she grew stiff. She knew who it was, she didn't have to turn to know. He only spoke when they saw a car enter the gates.

"I will be joining you in Paris in two days."

Natalia didn't know this. She was made to believe that she was going on this mission alone. She nodded.

"You will be reporting what you've found to me directly. Try not to kill anyone before I arrive."

She nodded again and walked towards the car when it stopped in front of them. She only allowed herself to look at him when she was seated in the back seat. His eyes were on her. He muttered something, it wasn't audible but she was trained to read lips. "Do good," he said. Of course she'd do good. It was what was expected of her. Her eyes never left him as the car drove off. Do good? She scoffed. She was going to do  _great_.

The flight was uneventful and full of crying babies. She pretended to be reading a guide book on her way over, mostly so that people wouldn't bother her. She landed in Paris under the alias Elizaveta Markova, a Russian tourist who was in love with love. She chatted up her customs agent about how she wanted to find love in Paris and he rolled her eyes before giving her passport back.

Natalia only dropped the persona once she was safe in the confines of the hotel room the Academy had booked for her - it was the same hotel that the ambassador was staying at. It wasn't a grand suite, but it still looked a lot better than her room back home. She ran her hand against the silk sheets on the bed and smelled the fresh flowers they had put on the small table near the window. She could see the very tip of the Eiffel Tower from her room, obstructed by other, taller structures. It was better than the view back in her own room, which was just a wall.

Unlike Elizaveta, Natalia had a job to do. Tailing the ambassador wasn't all that hard considering the information the Red Room received came from his own office, but it was  _boring_. On the first day, he went to a gallery opening. It exhibited Russian artwork collected from the Romanov dynasty. It was ironic. He proceeded to have dinner with his wife and then retired to the hotel. On the second day, he had a meeting with someone in private at the Russian consulate. She went in pretending to have lost her passport but slipped from the agent and into the room next to where the ambassador was. She pressed a device that connected to an earpiece against the wall and listened in.

She rolled her eyes at what she discovered. They were talking about their mistresses over drinks. Men. Natalia slipped out and made a show of having had the hotel magically find her passport before thanking the agent who'd been confused by her revelation. She managed to evade his questions and left the consulate immediately. The ambassador was a boring old man with a mistress. That wasn't surprising. How could this person be selling Russian intelligence? Unless...

Natalia raced back to the hotel where the ambassador had left his wife. She stole a maid's uniform and claimed to be doing some housekeeping. The woman let her in. She put on a customer service smile and spoke in French. She didn't suspect a thing.

As she entered the suite, she found a man sitting in the lounge area. She couldn't quite place his face but she knew he was an important man from America. He's seen his face before in old files but he was a bit older now. They talked in English comfortably, assuming that she wouldn't understand, the ambassador's wife's accented while the man sounded like a natural - loud. They talked about the KGB, operatives in place in the United States. As Natalia arranged the beddings, she lingered, listening to the two speak. The world knew about the KGB, it wasn't a secret society. However, what followed led her to a halt altogether.

"The Winter Soldier program." The wife started. She heard a soft thud on the table, files. "It started during the last war, men and women were experimented on. It is horrible. There is only one of them left alive, the only one who survived all of the disgusting mind control. They injected him with all of these chemical concoctions.  _Poor thing._  No one knows where he is. You end up dead if you do."

Natalia did. She knew where she was... most of the time. However, she knew nothing about the Soldier's background or where he came from, never crossed her mind that he was once like any other man, the revelation that he had a life before becoming who he was intrigued her. She can't remember having much of anything before the Red Room. Memories were blurry for her. The chemical concoctions and experiments the woman was talking about, were they anything like the ones they injected her and the girls with? The doctors explained that they were just immunity boosters, vaccines basically, to fight off sickness. She wasn't sure what to think now.

The man spoke then, voice booming in contrast to the wife's more quiet tone. "The Winter Soldier. Sounds like a ghost story but I'll ask my colleagues about it. I appreciate you working on this with us, Mrs. Mironov. SHIELD is determined to help liberate the children you speak of."

"Russia is a big country, Mr. Stark. There are things that happen that should not. My morals would not allow it. Those people... they do not know they are being used--"

Natalia exited the bedroom then and smiled at both of them, announcing that she was finished before exiting the suite. Her heart beat fast against her chest as she made her way back to her room. That woman was selling Russian intelligence to an American, yes, but that wasn't what bothered her. It was that she was selling information about the  _Soldier_  of all people.

She was startled to find a man sitting on her bed when she entered a room. She cursed in Russian, placing a hand on her chest as she pressed herself against the door. Speak of the devil.

"Soldat." She breathed out.

"Natalia." He was in civilian clothes - a long-sleeved button-down shirt, pants, leather shoes. His dark hair was slicked back, his eyes still the bluest she's ever seen. It meant he didn't scale the side of the building to get to her room. He had actually walked through the lobby and was seen by people. A dangerous move if he didn't know how to evade attention. Even if he did, he just looked like an average American tourist.

"I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow."

Natalia found her reflection in a nearby mirror and realized she was still wearing the maid's uniform. The soldier stayed seated as she rummaged through her bag to find a change of clothes. Her fingers were unbuttoning her top as she made her way into her bathroom, not bothering to close the door behind her. He wasn't going to look.

"My mission fell through earlier than anticipated and I wanted to--" He paused. " _The Academy_  wanted me to check on you."

"The ambassador isn't the one selling intelligence." Natasha let her hair down, she was wearing comfortable trousers and a silk blouse now, it was still strange dressing in clothes that weren't for training. "It's the wife."

The soldier sat still on her bed and it was only when she came out of her bathroom that she noticed a small duffel bag near his feet. Was he staying at the hotel as well? "We know."

"You know?" Natasha eyed him, not knowing where to place herself in the room when he was in the middle of it. She settled for the chair in the corner near the window. She liked the view of the rooftops.

"It's part of the test." If she didn't know better, she would assume that he sounded apologetic with the way his tone fell.  _No harm done,_  she wanted to say. She was used to being tested.

"Alright. I can kill her right now if you want. She's just a couple of floors up."

"No. It can't be obvious, people will talk."

Natalia searched her mind for alternatives and in a second suggested, "We'll stage an accident then. I can kick her off the balcony."

"Too messy."

"Poison?"

"Too obvious."

She was growing frustrated, more at herself than him. There were many ways to kill people, but keeping it subtle was the tricky part. "A car crash on the way back from the airport in Moscow." It was mostly faultless, it would be on their soil and there would be little to no suspicion.

The soldier nodded to himself, considering these exact things. "We can supply the driver."

Natalia smiled. She loved winning most of all and winning his approval was something she had unconsciously strived for. "Their flight lands at night. A drunken pedestrian could cause a stir, the driver will have to hit a very hard post."

"And if they end up alive?" He raised an eyebrow in her direction.

"They won't because we'll be there in the shadows to make sure they're dead."

The soldier nodded again, a hint of a smile on his lips. "Good."

Natalia's eyes went from his face to the bag by his feet, curious again. He hasn't mentioned it. "Staying the night then?"

"Right. Sorry to impose." The soldier stood but was at a loss with what to do next. Seeing him outside of the Red Room was strange. With no one watching and monitoring their every action, he let some of the stiffness in his character go. He should have known better than to let his guard down around her, but it made her feel good that he trusted her to a degree. "I can stay at a safe house. I just came here as soon as I landed to get your report."

"No." She found herself saying in a rather abrupt manner that made her feel embarrassed. "I mean, you can stay. I'm not used to having a room to myself. We still need to work on the mission."

The soldier considered this for a moment, keeping still in the middle of the room with her back turned to her. Slowly, he eased back down onto the bed, running a hand through his hair. "Do you mind if I shower then? I still smell like gun powder and... other things." Blood? Dirt? She didn't mind. She was more used to those smells than the scent of the flowers that sat beside her.

She gestured to the open door of the bathroom. "Help yourself. I'm going to get some food."

 

 

* * *

 

  
Natalia got them soup and sandwiches from the bistro across the street. She didn't know what he wanted so she just got them the same things. She doubted he was a picky eater. They both lived in an environment where they didn't really have the luxury of choice. When she entered the room, the smell of soap filled her nose. The door to the bathroom was left ajar and some of the steam was wafting through.

"I'm back." She called out, setting their food on the small table by the window. The Eiffel Tower's lights were turned on by then, a shining beacon in the distance.

The soldier walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing but sweatpants, his bare feet making light noises on the floor. There was a towel on his shoulders which he was using to dry his hair. She sat down on the chair and let her eyes give him a once over. He was expectedly fit, his skin smooth save for the part on his shoulder where his flesh and the metal of his arm met. The skin was raised there, muscle tissue tangled.

He quietly sat in the chair across from her, draping the towel on his shoulders to hide where the skin met metal. He grabbed one of the sandwiches and unwrapped it, taking a big bite. He let out an unexpected sound of satisfaction. She couldn't help but smile.

Natalia started with soup, enjoying the warmth it gave her. They sat there in silence, the sound of wrappers and chewing shared between them.

"Thanks." He said after finishing his sandwich. She hasn't even made a dent in her soup yet.

"No problem." She gave him a quick smile, about to return to the soup she was slowly devouring when she noticed his eyes darting between her sandwich and his own soup. "You can have my sandwich if you want."

"That's alright." He inclined his head, shy. Natalia has never seen him like this before.

"You're three times bigger than I am, you need it more than I do." She placed the wrapped sub in front of him, offering up another smile. She wasn't that hungry anyway and the soup was enough for her.

He considered it for a bit before he took it and started eating, slower this time, eyes watching her.

"They didn't tell me what information the mole was leaking." She said after a while, distracting herself from the weight of his stare.

"You didn't have to know. It was confidential." She understood that. It was part of the job to have things not explicitly disclosed. The Red Room liked their secrets and they weren't about to change that. "What did you find out?"

Natalia looked at him then, her eyes darting to where the towel rested on his shoulder before looking back at his face. "The program you belonged in... what they did to you--"

"I don't remember much of it." He admitted, taking a bite of the sandwich to dismiss the topic.

She left it there, let him have his peace and pressed no further. She knew what it was like to have blanks in her brain, chunks of her life gone and inaccessible.

They continued with their dinner in silence. Every so often, he'd spare her a few glances and then look away when she'd notice. She only grew even more curious about the man with the metal arm and, judging by the way he would unabashedly watch her, he was curious as well.

The soldier went over mission files while she took a shower and got ready for sleep. When she emerged from the bathroom in her pajamas, he was sitting on the bed, eyes scanning papers. He's managed to put on a tank top which did nothing to hide his arm. She didn't mind it, she wasn't afraid of it like the other girls were.

She noticed he's set up a place to sleep on the floor beside the bed. Somehow, until that moment, she just assumed that they were going to share the bed. It was big enough, a king-sized one. She was swimming in the sheets the first night she had to sleep in it alone.

"We can share the bed," she offered, standing directly in front of him now.

"I can't. It's too dangerous." He sighed and gathered the papers beside him together.

"It's fine. It's big enough. I won't accidentally kick you or anything."

"No, you don't understand." The soldier looked up at her then, even when he was sitting and she was standing they were almost at eye level. "I could hurt you."

"I can handle myself."

He sighed again, shaking his head. "Natalia."

She took another step forward, coming into his personal space. She stood in between his knees, her hand coming up to reach for his face. He looked so conflicted, tired. "I can handle myself."

He leaned into her hand, softening at her touch. Natalia wasn't so sure what they were doing but she became very aware that it was wrong, at least by the Red Room's standards. But they've been hovering around each other for quite a while now. She'd be lying if she said she didn't like the extra attention she got from him when they were training. He pushed her more than others yes, but always offered to pick her back up. "I might  _kill_  you, Natalia. The dreams I have..."

"I'd like to see you try, Soldat." She smirked, her thumb gently rubbing against his cheek.

The soldier cracked a smile then, his hand coming up to cover hers against his face. He felt warm, warmer than her definitely. It was... nice.

Natalia prepared the bed and even made a small pillow wall in the middle just to ease his mind. She slipped under the blanket while he laid on top of it on his side, facing her. He tucked his hands under his arms and closed his eyes, his breathing steady. She just watched him for a while, waiting until he was actually asleep before she turned the lamp off and letting herself drift off to sleep as well.

A strangled noise that was almost a scream escaped her lips as she jolted up from bed a few hours later. She could see blood on her hands, blood coming from within her, red everywhere. She was shaking, tears forming in her eyes as she breathed heavily, almost heaving. There was a heavy pain in her chest as if someone was holding onto her heart with their very hands. She couldn't breathe.

"Natalia." She heard someone call. It sounded like a distant echo. Her eyes were wide open but all she could see was blood, red, everywhere. "Natalia, wake up." She felt hands on her arms and she tried to fight them but she was suddenly too weak. No, she thought. Weakness brought death. She tried to fight harder, her training kicking in but her moves were sloppy. That much was expected when one was fighting while half-asleep. Before she knew it, she was pinned onto the bed by something heavy, something warm? Her hands were pinned over her head with one cold hand.

"Natalia." The voice was closer now, right in front of her. "Natalia, come back to me." 

The red dissipated, the blood gone, the bad dream retreated back into the confines of her brain, back to the locked room she wasn't allowed to enter.  Hovering above her was the soldier, his metal arm restraining both of her hands with ease while his flesh hand came to cup her face. "There you go." 

"I--" her voice felt distant, like it wasn't her own. "I'm sorry."

The soldier let her go then and sat back down on his side of the bed. He watched as she sat back up and rubbed on her wrists instinctively. They used to handcuff them to their beds. "Are you alright?"

It took her a while to answer, mostly because the answer was that she _wasn't._ However, that was not an acceptable answer to give so she stayed quiet. They sat in the darkness in silence as she tried to recover, forcing her breathing to normalize and for her heart to stop beating so loud against her ears. The soldier patiently waited for her to say or do anything, keeping an eye on her. 

Her voice was barely above a whisper when she finally spoke. "You're not the only one with bad dreams, Soldat."

Natalia didn't look at him and instead settled back into bed, her back to him, embarrassed of what had happened. Weakness got you killed in the Red Room and this was a weakness she hoped the soldier wouldn't put in her records.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really tag this as a slow-burn fic, huh? Idk why I thought I could finish this in 4 chapters when it'll take a bit more than that. Thank you for reading though! Comments and kudos are much appreciated ily all <3


	3. Chapter 3

The ambassador and his wife were dead. They made sure of that. Well, the Winter Soldier made sure. Things went as planned, they planted a driver and made them hit a wall of an abandoned building on their way back home from the airport. The wife was killed instantly. The ambassador wasn't as lucky though. Natalia was about to take care of it when the soldier held onto her arm and insisted that he do it. It wasn't fair, she thought, this was her mission. She watched from a safe distance as the back of his metal hand collided with the man's face. The force was so strong that it whipped his head back enough to break his neck. No one would question it. What happened was an accident.

They were quiet on their way back to the facility. Hell, they were quiet on their way to Moscow. Natalia didn't want to talk to him outside official matters. It didn't feel right, not after Paris anyway. She still didn't know if he put her basically _glitching_ in his official report on her but she didn't want to risk it. He watched her closely, as usual, but only this time she wasn't sure if he was trying to assess her to put a grade on her mission or if he just wanted to know why she was being so distant.

When they got back to the facility, it was revealed to her by her handlers that the Soldier had given her top marks and that she was ready to have her own room. She'd been sharing one with the other girls all this time. Only those fit to graduate from the program got their own rooms. She would also undergo a series of tests and special training, which meant less time with the others and more time by herself. She preferred it.

There would be no more handcuffs and no more dull views of a gray wall. Instead, she got a view of the courtyard. It was still full of snow, but at least the sun shone through her window now. Natalia felt like she should feel more accomplished, but her heart still felt heavy.

It would be days before she saw the Soldier again. She'd been spending time training with the girls when she got pulled out of class. In the middle of an empty training room was the soldier. He looked as he always did, except he had a healing bruise on his cheek. Natalia's first instinct was to ask, but she reeled back and stayed in her place by the door where one of the officers left her.

"Soldat." She greeted, her tone steady. They hadn't talked in a while.

"Natalia." He greeted back, he was standing still in the middle of the room. "How have you been?"

He knew he was gone this time. "Good. And you?"

"Good." The soldier gestured for her to approach, pointing at a spot directly in front of her. She followed, standing right in front of him, her eyes never leaving him.

"Where have you been?" Natalia knew she shouldn't ask, it was none of her business, but she was curious about the bruise on his cheek.

It took him a moment to answer, considering his words before speaking. "Around."

"A mission?"

"I guess it's a part of that."

She was surprised he was even trying to answer her question. He didn't need to. That wasn't part of his job. The soldier cleared his throat before speaking again, picking himself up to stand a bit straighter as if he wasn't already doing that.

"They've tasked me to oversee the rest of your training. You will still be attending your practical classes with the other girls but you'll be advancing into combat and arms classes on your own. There will also be more missions. It seems like you've proved yourself to the Academy."

Natalia nodded, taking note of the way he was trying to make what he was saying sound more official. Whatever shyness and tenderness he let her see in Paris, it was gone now. She had to stop herself from frowning when she came to the realization that he probably wouldn't let her anywhere near him like that again.

"Do we start immediately?" She stood as still as a pillar, any fidgeting would have given her thoughts away.

"No." She met his eyes again then. "Tomorrow."

"Should I go back to class then?" They'd been watching a movie, she already forgot what it was about but they were studying American mannerisms that day.

He blinked, his jaw tightening for a second. "No."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and waited for an explanation but it didn't come. He just stood there with the strangest expression on his face, like he wanted to say something but he couldn't.

"No?" She asked after a while. "Is there anything else, Soldat?"

"What happened in Paris... have you told anyone?"

 _Which part of it?_ "Who would I tell?"

He nodded, agreeing. Perhaps he hadn't considered that she didn't really have friends in the Red Room or anywhere, really. "I don't think it would be wise to speak of it, is all."

"Did you not report it? My little episode."

"What?" He furrowed his brows then, realizing that they were talking about two completely different things. "Of course I wouldn't. That's none of their business."

"Everything about me is their business."

"I wasn't even talking about that. I was talking about--" He sighed and stepped closer, he was just an arm's length away now. "I don't know what I was talking about."

He confused her more than any puzzle the Red Room had set in front of her to solve. She could see his disciplined resolve slowly fading, letting her in again. He really should have known better than to trust her with this. Why did he trust her so much?

A silence fell between them, both of them analyzing the other, trying to pick on each other's brains for - _for what exactly?_ If they were going to work together, they had to understand each other and not talking wasn't helping. Natalia was the one to break the silence after having had grown impatient. "Do you look for me when I'm not around?"

The soldier was taken aback at the question, not knowing how to respond. She didn't expect him to know how to respond, that was the whole point. She continued. "Because when you're not around I wonder where you are. It isn't right, but I do."

"Natalia..." Nothing else followed. He wasn't very good with his words but she expected as much.

"I like it when you smile. You never do here. You did so in Paris."

"Because we were alone."

"Would you have smiled like that if it were a different girl?"

He paused again, being so careful of the words he was using. "No." The soldier looked away from her, his eyes focused on a spot on the floor beside her. "I wouldn't have stayed if it were a different girl."

"And why is that?" Natalia kept her gaze on him, both to assess and to challenge him.

The soldier's answer came after another calculation. His eyes finally met hers and she swore she could drown in them. "Because I don't care about the other girls."

It was Natalia's turn to do the calculating now. She's never put this much effort into a conversation before but she couldn't understand what was happening, at least not completely. "What makes me different?"

He let out a breath he'd been holding since he last spoke, running a hand through his hair. He did that a lot around her, she noted. "I don't know, Natalia. Why do you look for me when I'm not around?"

"I don't know either." She didn't expect that question. "At first I was curious. I don't know when curiosity became something else."

"This isn't--I shouldn't be doing this." He admitted. His hand twitched like he was about to reach out for something but he physically stopped himself. "I don't even know what _this_ is."

"Then let's not call it anything." Natalia wanted to step closer, he kept looking away whenever he was unsure of what to say and she wanted to put her hand on his cheek again like the last time they were together. "As long as it doesn't affect the work, it shouldn't be a problem."

This thing existing was a problem in itself and she knew that. But she reached up to his face and made him look at her anyway. She could see the uncertainty in his eyes, but also something else - longing? He leaned into her touch, his expression softening like it did in Paris.

"I'm sorry," he said, his hand reaching to rest on her waist.

"For what?"

"For bringing this onto you. Confusing you."

"Don't be ridiculous," Natalia gave him a smile finally. There was no use trying not to now. He looked like a puppy in her hand, the Winter Soldier facade gone. "I'm a grown woman. I know what I'm doing."

He smiled at that, the tension leaving them both. However, he pulled her hand away and stepped back suddenly, which confused her again. _Was this a test? Did she fail?_ The door opened a second later, an officer stepping in. "Winter Soldier, you're needed at the debriefing. Comrade Romanov, I'll escort you back to your training."

The soldier gave the officer a stiff nod and watched as Natalia followed him out of the room. She looked back at him one last time, smiling a bit, before leaving. She sat back in her seat at the back of the room and watched the film to the best of her ability, however her mind was full of thoughts of the soldier.

 _Tomorrow,_ she thought, _I'll see him tomorrow._

 


	4. Chapter 4

Natalia thought they were going to be training alone, however, some of the higher-ups wanted to watch, to assess both the soldier and her. The two of them were there for their entertainment.  
  
Lessons proceeded as usual, with the soldier showing her new tricks, pushing her to be faster in hand to hand combat. He always pushed her to be faster. They sparred against each other. He won the first round but she picked up his movements and used her own skillset against him. She had him pinned on his back on the floor by the end of the second round.  
  
Natalia had a triumphant smile on her face as she rose to her feet but immediately wiped it away when she saw the commander's eyes on her. Ever the watchful eye.  
  
The panel seemed impressed, so much so that they whisked away her teacher after training. He spared her no glances. She knew it was too risky. She continued on with her day trying not to make it obvious that the punch he landed on her stomach while sparring hit a really bad spot under her rib. She was pretty sure nothing was broken but it hurt anyway. It'll heal. It always did.   
  
Natalia took a long hot shower that night and examined her body. There weren't any scars, she healed fast enough that marks didn't stay. There was a bruise on her side from earlier though, fading but still there. She's been in worse shape. If anything, she was just upset that she wasn't able to talk to the soldier at all.  
  
It was dark when Natalia slipped into her room but she knew immediately that she wasn't alone. The light from outside her window reflected against something shiny on her bed. An arm. He sat there unmoving, quiet.  
  
"Soldat." Her eyes tried to find his in the dark.  
  
"Did I hurt you earlier? I think I heard something crack." His voice was slow and quiet, almost a whisper.  
  
"No. Don't worry about it, I'm fine."  She smiled as she approached him, sitting beside him at the foot of her bed. She sat close enough that their arms were touching.   
  
"I'm sorry for intruding. You should be resting." He made no move to leave though, he was just being polite.   
  
"I can rest later. Why did you come?"   
  
"I don't know. I wanted to see you." Their voices were so low, both very aware that anyone could burst into her door at any minute. Natalia wasn't sure if it was worth it, but she liked talking with him. The girls were too hard on themselves and each other. Trust wasn't something that naturally happened when you're put in an environment where trust can get you killed.  
  
Still, Natalia smiled at his statement and pushed a little against him. "If the other girls could see you now, they'd swoon."  
  
"What do they say about me?"  
  
"They're afraid of you. I think they're afraid in general but you _intimidate_ them. It doesn't help that you look like you want to kill them most of the time."    
  
He chuckled at that, finally relaxing beside her. "What about _you?_ "   
  
"What _about_ me?"   
  
"Do I... Are you afraid of me?"   
  
Natalia couldn't help but snort at that, looking up at him finally, finding pools of blue in the dark. He'd been watching her the whole time. "Don't be ridiculous."  
  
He smiled a bit and looked away. "I'm glad you aren't."

Natalia stood but only to straddle his lap. She wasn't sure how he was going to react to something so bold, but he looked curious more than anything. Her hands came up to cup his cheeks, a smile on her face still. "You know I can kill you in at least 5 different ways right now, right?"   
  
He mirrored her smile and let his hands rest on the top of her thighs. "I'm aware."  
  
"Are you not afraid?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Why?" Her eyes followed her fingers as they traced the lines on his face - his jaw, his cheekbones, his nose - she was committing all of it to memory.  
  
"Because I trust you."   
  
"That's a dangerous bet."  
  
His metal arm came around her waist, pulling her closer towards him. There was a smile on his face she's never seen before. "You're worth it."

"You're too sweet on me, Soldat." Her arm came up to wrap around his shoulders, her other hand on his jaw as she leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss. He reciprocated, his hand coming up to her waist, squeezing a bit there. She pulled back as she flinched from the pain, suddenly remembering that she had a bruise there from training earlier.

The soldier reeled back, taking his hand off immediately. "What is it? Are you okay?" He tried to pull on her shirt to examine the injury, but she held her shirt in place, not wanting him to see.

"It's nothing. It'll heal, it always does."

" _Natalia._ " He looked serious and for the first time ever, she let him win willingly. His fingers slowly picked up her shirt, revealing a fist-shaped bruise on her side. The soldier sighed and ran his fingers against it.

"It's healing, it's not a big deal. I've been through worse."

"I did this?"

"I slipped up earlier, that's on me." Natalia tilted his face up so that he would stop looking at the bruise. It wasn't even that big anymore. "Hey," she started, "don't worry about it too much. Just train me better."

The soldier nodded, letting his hand drift onto the small of her back. She could tell he was still thinking about it. Having someone worry about her was uncomfortable, she didn't like it. She didn't want him to be distracted because of her. If they messed up, they were dead. If they showed weakness, they were dead. If the Academy found out, they were dead. The only way to survive was to make sure everything appeared the same on the outside.

Natalia placed another soft kiss on his lips to distract him from his thoughts and pulled away, giving him a smile. "Don't go soft on me now."

He nodded and stole another kiss before he stood, taking her with him as he walked to one side of the bed and laying her down. "I should go," he whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear, her fingers lingering by her neck. 

"Must you?"

"They check on me at night."

The soldier reached down and gave her a kiss, not as soft as the ones they've shared previously but a real kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow." He lingered for a while before standing upright and moving towards his exit. Natalia watched as he climbed out of her window and disappeared.

As she drifted off to sleep, she remembered the last time she truly kissed someone she cared for. It was so long ago, wasn't it? Part of memories she was not allowed to know about, a life that wasn't hers anymore. She liked the soldier's kisses though, she concluded, she committed the feel of them to memory and prayed she remembered them when she woke up in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking bits and pieces of Natasha's comic book origin and trying to work it around the MCU structure if that makes sense? Anyway, more will be happening soon. Might change the rating but idk yet eye emoji. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated as usual <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I changed the rating for a reason and this chapter is definitely it.

"Do you remember anything at all?" Natalia was lying on her side on her bed, the Winter Soldier lying opposite her. Her room was dark save from the orange light that came from the light from the courtyard below.

"No." He said quietly. Her new bed was bigger than her old one in the room she shared with the other girls but definitely not as big as the one in Paris. She couldn't fit a pillow in between them this time. She was okay with that. "You?"

Natalia thought about it for the first time and actually tried wracking her mind about a life she's once had. The man who had raised her. Blood in the snow. Needing to save him, save her, save... someone else? "I know I used to dance but I don't know which of my memories are real."

"I am," the soldier said. "I'm real."

 _Are you sure?_ She wanted to ask. Instead, she gave him a smile and kissed him. There's been quite a lot of that going on since the first time they did it. In storage closets, in the middle of the woods after training, and especially at night when he would visit her. They would talk mostly, and then they'd kiss each other goodnight before he'd slip off into the night.

Sometimes they'd dare to do more, to have their hands explore each other's bodies, but they'd always stop before they went too far. It was too risky and Natalia wanted to enjoy whatever it was they had for a little longer. It made her feel like she was a real person, not just an agent, a weapon.

 

* * *

 

She'd been gone for a couple of days on a mission concerning British intelligence. They'd been conspiring to infiltrate Russia with their own lackluster version of "spies". Their man was staying in Leningrad and planted himself in a general's inner circle. She tailed him for a couple of days, the general away to Moscow for a business trip, and that's when she spotted him giving his handler information.

Tracing the handler was easy. He was an old man with distinct habits. She put a bullet in his head and burned his safehouse down for good measure. The spy was next on her list but she had to get information from him first. She didn't know why the Red Room was adamant about extracting information this way when they could contact the Kremlin themselves.

Once the spy fessed up, after two whole days of resisting torture, she understood why the Red Room wanted the intel. Someone with power in the Kremlin has been plotting to put an end to the Red Room, someone who needed to be eliminated.

She reported this much to her superiors back at home. They seemed alarmed at the information but satisfied with her work. When they asked what happened to the agent, she told them she threw him into the Neva to die. Whether or not he survived was totally up to him. It was winter after all and her torture techniques barely left him alive.

However, she also knew that there was a chance that he'd survive the icy waters she threw him into. No, she wasn't being sloppy. Maybe somewhere deep inside her gut, she wanted him to run home to Britain so that they could support the enemy.

The Winter Soldier didn't accompany her in this mission as a test of her character. She figured this out on her own. No one was ever allowed to leave the Red Room unsupervised. They wanted to know if she'd return or not.

_How could she not return when the soldier was here?_

Natalia entered the training room the next day with newfound confidence. The other girls asked what Leningrad was like after their morning session and all she could tell them was that it was cold and bloody, not necessarily a lie. Apparently, their superiors thought it would inspire them to know that she'd gone on a mission alone.

Even while talking with the girls, she could feel the soldier's gaze burning into the back of her skull. If he didn't cut it out, people were going to notice.

The commander sat in on her individual training again that day, which meant more of him looking at her like she was made of gold. It was only in the evening, when the house was quiet, that they found time to be alone. She found her standing in her room after her shower, which has become a thing, apparently. But the minute she closed the door behind her, his hands immediately went to her. He was pulling on her shirt, pushing her sleeves up. She realized a few moments later that he was inspecting her for injuries.

"I can strip if you want me to." She announced, stretching her arms wide open.

The soldier pulled his hands away and stood straight, but his eyes were still distracted. "No, that won't be necessary."

"Too bad," Natalia smirked and stood on her toes to give him a quick peck. "Have they told you what I found?"

His fingers brushed her hair off of her shoulders, exposing her neck. He placed a kiss there before answering. "No. It's not my place to know."

She nodded and snaked her arms around his neck to keep him in place. He was always so warm and she loved it. She felt like she always ran a little colder than most people. The soldier's arms came around her, enveloping her in his warmth. "I missed you," she whispered.

He only made a sound, mumbling at the side of her neck before pulling back altogether, walking to sit on the bed. He's claimed a spot on it now. Natalia followed but instead of sitting beside him, she straddled his lap, much like the first time he snuck into her room.

"Did you think of me while I was away?" She ran her hands over his chest. He still had his uniform on, leather straps and all. She played with the idea unfastening them, tried it on one. He didn't stop her.

"I thought only of you. I got distracted and almost broke a girl's arm the other day."

Natalia hummed approvingly of that, taking care of the second strap. "Distracted? Well, we can't have that."

She worked on the buttons that held his uniform together, starting with his collar. His hands went to rest on the tops of her thighs, drawing patterns there with his fingers.

"Yeah, well, I was just imagining you all alone in that city." He smirked as he watched her practically undress him.

Natalia placed a kiss on the exposed skin of his neck once she was done with his collar, her fingers slightly pulling on his uniform. He got the hint eventually, helping her peel the heavy garment off. It was discarded on the floor in seconds.

"Natalia," he warned when he felt her sucking on his neck.

"Sorry." Her lips landed on his then, kissing him slowly as her hands slipped underneath the tank top he'd been wearing underneath his uniform. She could feel grooves on his skin, the scars that were too deep to heal completely. He lifted his arms, allowing her to remove the top altogether.

The red head's lips attached themselves to the soldier's jaw, beginning a trail of kisses that ended at a patch of his skin where it met with metal. " _Natalia._ " He whined again, his hands coming up to slip under her shirt, one warm one cold. The conflicting sensations gave her goosebumps.

"Would you relax?"

"You're making that impossible." He chuckled, his metal fingers tracing a line on her back, making their way up her spine.

Natalia pulled away from him and peeled the sweatshirt off of her. She wasn't wearing anything underneath and she could swear the soldier's cheeks turned red at the sight of her.

"Please don't tell me you've never a woman naked before."

"What? Of course I've seen naked women before." _Adorable._

"Well, as you can see, no injuries."

"You did well." He leaned in and gave her a peck, a smile on his lips.

"I had a good teacher."

The soldier grinned then, his hands coming to rest on her ass before picking her up and laying her down on the bed. He hovered above her, the light reflecting against his arm. He lowered his head to kiss her, _really_  kiss her this time. It was the kind of kiss she imagined real people gave each other, not the types in the American movies they watched.

His hands started unfastening his belt and then his pants, kicking the thing off before pulling her sweatpants off in one swift motion. The look in his eyes was something she knew she wouldn't forget even if she tried. They ran over her body, inspecting, but also doing something more. They'd been careful all this time, stopped themselves before it was too late but with the way his hand found its way in between her legs and how his tongue was trying desperately to taste every part of her, she knew they were way past that.

Being truly intimate with someone wasn't something Natalia thought she'd ever do. Sex was just sex. It was a powerful weapon, especially against powerful men. She was almost sure she's done it before, but at the same time, it all felt so new. The feel of him as she took him inside of her sent shivers down her spine.

She'd suppressed the noises that dared come out of her mouth by kissing him, letting him swallow the moans he was causing. She felt like her skin was on fire the whole time and she couldn't remember the last time she felt so free. Her heart was about to burst out of her chest.

It felt like they were moving against each other for hours on end, both of them chasing a high they haven't felt in a long time, and then, all at once, they reached their peak.

They were both slick with sweat and panting against each other despite the cold of the winter. He collapsed on top of her, half of his body covering hers as he tried to calm himself against the crook of her neck. She kissed the top of his head and held him in her arms, trying to steady her breathing as well. There really was no turning back now. For months they've been slowly stepping into each other's lives, confiding with each other things they knew no one else would understand, developing a sort of friendship. The sex was just a bonus, a perk. Natalia realized as they lied there that she valued him for more than that.

"I suppose you _did_ miss me." She whispered after a while as her fingers played with his hair.

"Fuck, Natalia," he chuckled against her neck.

She smirked. "Indeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, that escalated quicky. But if you knew me you'd know I don't do slow burn usually lol. Also I suck at smutty things. 
> 
> Don't @ me for extending for yet another chapter. I don't know how to end it yet. 
> 
> xoxoxoxo


	6. Chapter 6

_"Faster."_ The soldier commanded with one of his hands behind his back. Natalia moved against him faster, her legs coming up in an attempt to straddle him. However, she misses her mark.

"Faster." He said again, catching her ankle and slamming her down onto the mat. They were alone that day during training, but she wasn't going to let him be soft on her. She needed to train harder. She needed to be better.

Natalia smiled up at him as he stood over her and soon enough a smile graced his own lips. "You're in an overachieving mood today," she said.

"Just preparing you for the mission as always." He reached down to help her up but she instead pulled him down, quickly maneuvering to switch their positions so that she was sitting on top of him.

"You're cheating." The soldier said as his hands went to her thighs, instinctively now. Like it was second nature. How many times have his hands roamed freely over her body now? Many times. In the dark, at night, when they were alone. Natalia's never felt better.

"Anything to win." She smirked and leaned down to give him a lingering kiss before pulling back and getting onto her feet.

The soldier followed her and got up, brushing off his pants before running a hand through his hair. His hair was getting long again and it wasn't as cold outside as it was before. Soon, it would be springtime and the flowers in the garden would start blooming. Winter in Russia was unbearably long. She was used to it, yes, but she wanted to feel the sun on her skin again, see the blue in the soldier's eyes under a different light.

"What does it look like in the spring?"  He asked as he stood beside her.

"Beautiful, full of flowers." She'd been staring outside the window to rest for a bit when she felt his cold metal hand against the small of her back. The small intimate touches only increased over the days, the time he spent in her room much longer. It was all reckless. She knew this, and she knew that he knew it was. The Red Room's top operatives were having an affair and instead of fearing it and its consequences, she embraced it.

"I can only imagine."

"You'll see it yourself soon enough." She dared to kiss him while they stood beside a window. It gave her a thrill she's never felt before.

Natalia spent some time after dinner talking with the other girls. They'd been asking questions about her advanced training, wondering what it was like to be under the Winter Soldier's cold gaze for most of the day. The secret that she held in her heart thrilled her, but she answered them nonchalantly and feigned annoyance at how tough he was being.

When she slipped into her bedroom that night, she was immediately pushed against her door, warm lips covering hers. Soon, they were entangled with one another on the bed yet again, sheets a mess underneath them, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it. And maybe, she thought, they did. It was late into the night when he started dressing. She pulled on a nightgown and stared out of the window, admiring the light snowfall.

"Natalia." He heard him call out. "Come back to bed. It's cold there."

She smirked and turned to him, about to slip under the covers when her door was knocked down and officers surrounded them.

It all happened so fast that she wasn't sure if it was happening at all. There were no less than ten men cramped in her tiny room. The soldier jumped up on his feet, confused but ready to fight if anything were to happen. Without warning, two of the officers jabbed electric batons into the soldier's sides, making him fall onto his knees with a scream erupting from his chest.

Natalia moved towards him, but four, maybe five, men tried to restrain her. Her training kicked in as she tried to use all of her tricks just to get away from them, knocking two down before she was hit by the baton as well, shocking her nerves.

From the corner of her eye, she could see the soldier struggling to stand but with the batons still digging into his back, she knew it was impossible to get away easily.

"Natalia!" He called, trying to crawl towards her. Two men had restrained her, pinning her arms behind her back tightly and pushing her head into the floor.

Soon there were heavy footsteps that came in, boots stopping right in front of her face. "Pick her up."

Natalia was yanked onto her feet, her knees still weak from the shocks she took. The commander looked at her for a while before slapping her so hard, the men hand to tighten their grip just to keep her from falling.

"Don't touch her!" The soldier yelled from the floor, earning him another shock of electricity. He groaned in pain but continued to struggle to get up.

"Stop it!" She cried out at the men restraining her soldier, tasting the blood on her lips from the slap she'd just received. "He did nothing wrong!"

"Oh, little spider, look at you fighting for him," the commander turned her jaw so that she'd face him but her eyes avoided his. "Is this _love?_ "

She spat blood on his face, earning her yet another slap. Her vision almost blacked out and there was a ringing in her ears. The only thing she could see was the orange light reflecting against a metal arm on the floor.

"Let her go! I'll go with you, please, I'll sit in the chair. Whatever you want!" _The chair? What chair?_

"The Department is very concerned with your lack of focus as of late, Soldat. I'm very disappointed. You were perfect. You _both_ were. But disappearing during the night? Not following orders? _Talking back?_ Did you really think we wouldn't figure out where you go?" The commander kicked him across the face, his head turned so far that she was afraid he'd killed him.

The commander crouched down so that he could tilt the soldier's head so that he'd be facing in Natalia's direction. The blue in his eyes was dark, there was a bruise forming on his cheek. Natalia tried to get away from the officers' grasp once more but she was shocked with more electricity. "Tell me, was she a good fuck? Hope you savored that last one because you're never seeing her again."

"Don't-"

"Is he worth it, Natalia? All those years of us training you to be the best, giving you all the tools you needed, making you into the perfect agent - did it all mean so little that you'd disobey us like this?"

"We did nothing wrong." Her voice cracked, it didn't sound like her own.

"Oh, I know. If you were any other agents I wouldn't care if you fucked right in the hallway. _However,_ the Winter Soldier cannot be distracted. And _you_ distract him."

"Let her go, I'll do whatever you want."

"If I'm the distraction then remove me. Spare him, _please._ He didn't do anything. Please don't kill him."

The commander laughed then and let go of the soldier's face, standing back up. " _Kill him?_ You underestimate his value to the Department. This man wasn't created from scratch just to be killed because of some _girl._ Take him away. Wipe him. I want all of it."

Everything the commander said didn't make any bit of sense. "Wipe him? What do you mean?"

The soldier struggled against the officers as they dragged him away. He managed to get rid of one, but he was shocked by electric currents again, weakening him. "Natalia!" He called out as they started dragging him away.

She pulled against a guard, using every bit of energy she had left to get out of their grasp. But every time someone let go, another hand would latch onto her.

"Soldat!" She called out, desperately trying to be free, but she couldn't. There were so many of them.

"Stay alive, Natalia!"

"Let me go! Let me go!" There were too many of them. "Soldat! I'll find you! _Let me go!_ " Natalia couldn't even hear herself screaming as waves of electricity coursed through her veins. Once the soldier was out of view, she was pushed onto the floor. Her limbs went limp, muscles jerking every now and then from the aftershocks.

The commander lifted her head up by grabbing her hair, making her dead eyes look at him. "When the sun comes up tomorrow, your soldier would not remember you at all. This, my child, is the price you pay for love misplaced."

He let go of her and let her limp head hit the floor. The last thing she saw was people exiting her room and locking the door behind them. When she woke up again, her wrists were handcuffed to the bed. There were bars installed on her window and officers guarding her twenty-four hours a day.

They kept her locked up for days - weeks? A stream of propaganda brainwashing was playing from a record on the table beside her bed. Natalia knew the only way to get it to stop was to comply so when the commander visited her sometime later, she put on her best mask and continued with her training.

It would be months before the Red Room was fully convinced that she had her mind in the right conditioning. She performed perfectly as their best weapon, their best puppet, stealing and killing for them.

The soldier told her to stay alive and that was exactly what she was going to do, to get out, to find him, to _live._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could never write this part right enough. I feel like it should be better, but hey, there's one more chapter left. Stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

The first time she saw him again was in Odessa, only she didn't really see him clearly. All this time she thought he was dead, she was _so sure_ he was dead. It's been _decades._ But she figured that if she had lived all this time, him being around wasn't all that shocking.

His appearance caught her off-guard. The only way she could tell it was him was by the way his metal arm caught the light. No one had that arm. There was only one Winter Soldier. His entire face was covered with a mask, but she'd know that stance from a mile away.

_Soldat._

Seeing him again was almost worth almost dying. Natasha failed her mission that day but a part of her heart she'd long killed started stirring in her chest. He was alive. She had to find him.

 

* * *

 

Standing in the middle of the Smithsonian, Natasha couldn't believe her eyes. She'd heard about a Bucky Barnes from Steve plenty of times but to attach a face to a name... _a name_. He had a name.

_Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes._

He didn't have one of those before. She could remember trying to figure out what it could be. She's only ever called him one thing during their time together. But now she knew he had a family, sisters, friends, a whole life. His friends called him Bucky but it didn't feel right to call him that. It didn't sound right when she tried to say it out loud. Bucky was _Steve's_ friend. Her _soldier_ was a different person.

Steve had to drag her away. He was confused about why she was staring at the Howling Commandos presentation. She covered it up by making another fossil joke. Steve had a lot of stories about Bucky Barnes, about how he'd stand up for him even when he didn't ask, how he was always a hit with the ladies. Natasha smirked at that. It sounded like a childhood fairytale to her, how innocent this friend of Steve's was, how heroic.

The same week she learned his name, he managed to shoot her again. As she struggled against the side of the car, blood gushing from her shoulder, she couldn't help but hear his voice in her head.

_"You need to be faster."_

 

* * *

 

Natasha wasn't comfortable when anything connected to Soviet Russia got involved in any of her missions. She didn't like it when her new life got too close to her old one. But there he was in a containment chamber with a mad scientist reading him his codes. This was an old Soviet trick, she's seen it in action. She knew what came next.

It physically pained her to see him struggling through the video feed, knowing part of his brain had been programmed to turn him into an unfeeling thing. She knew what it was like to be unmade, to have her brain messed with like that. No one else understood what that was like.

They ended up fighting again because it was inevitable. Just like the good old days, with her legs on his shoulders and his hands on her thighs. She could vividly remember when they were last in this position, but those were totally different circumstances. When he pinned her against the table with his metal hand wrapped around her neck, for the first time ever Natasha was scared for her life. She's seen him kill. It was a miracle he hadn't snapped her neck yet.

"You could at least recognize me." She pleaded, almost begging him to remember. But no flicker of recognition crossed his eyes. Her heart broke.

This was her punishment.

 

* * *

 

They did something to him in Wakanda. Shuri, the genius princess, explained to her that Bucky Barnes has revealed that he remembered more of his life during the war. He remembered almost all of his life before the Soviets found him. Steve was delighted with the news. He wanted to see him immediately but Shuri said he was with the children, wherever that was. They had sent someone to get him.

Natasha was curious and wanted to ask what else he remembered, but she stopped herself. She wasn't there for him specifically, they were working with T'Challa who was providing some new tech.

He was just... _there._ She didn't have a choice.

It was a good thing that Steve was there to act as some sort of safety net if he ever did show up, not that she needed one or anything. It just freaked her out a bit that her ex-boyfriend may or may not remember her. Calling him an ex-boyfriend was so childish, but that's what he was. An old flame.

Natasha was walking back to her accommodations after a meeting with Shuri and T'Challa when a hand wrapped around her wrist and dragged her to a narrow corridor. Her eyes shot from the metal fingers around her wrist to his face where she found blue eyes staring at her. God, she could still drown in them.

"How are you still alive?" Was the first question that came out of his mouth. He was standing so close, whispering. Was he forgetting that people might actually see them? She didn't want to deal with any of their questions.

"How are _you?_ " She asked back. By now she knew how they'd kept the Winter Soldier alive all these years. He didn't answer her question.

His fingers came up to touch her hair, examining it. "Why isn't it red?"

"It's for a cover. You don't like it?"

He shook his head. "I liked the red."

"Too bad." Were they really having a conversation about her hair? _Really?_

He continued to inspect her hair before setting it down on her shoulder. "Nat... _asha._ " He was testing it. He probably heard her name from Steve. He knew her by a different name after all.

" _James._ " She's had a headstart at the practice. It was like they were meeting each other for the first time.

His hand hovered near her cheek as if he wanted to place it there, but he pulled back. He wasn't sure if he could touch her like that again. "I shot you. I almost killed you."

"Yeah, it happens." She shrugged, suddenly aware that his metal hand still held her in place.

"I'm sorry." He looked away from her then.

"That wasn't your fault."

"What if I had killed you and then remembered..." He sighed, looking at the spot on her shoulder where her scar was. " _Natalia_. What if I got my memories back and realized you'd died by my hand?"

"James." The name was nice. It sounded right. Better than _Soldat._ Natasha put a hand on his cheek which he leaned into instantly. Maybe old habits did die hard. "I'm alive. You told me to stay alive."

A small smile crept on his face then. "I did."

Natasha pulled her hand away and mirrored his smile. "Well, welcome to the 21st century and all of that. Nice arm."

She gestured to the brand new arm Shuri had made him. It was black and gold, no red stars this time. It looked cool if she was going to be honest. It suited him, this new him. He also then realized that he'd been holding onto her the whole time. He peeled his fingers away, shoving his hand in his pocket for good measure. 

"I'm not sure if I belong here." His hand came up to scratch the back of his neck, shifting his weight between his feet. The gesture intrigued her.

"I know the feeling." She knew better than anyone.

The corner of his lips tugged again, giving her a small smile as he sighed. Natasha didn't understand him yet, this person who was both Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier, but she was willing to solve this puzzle.

They parted ways when Steve and T'Challa finally caught up with her, the two men informing them that they needed to dress up for dinner and that they weren't allowed to decline the offer. So Natasha left the soldier - Bucky - _James_ behind while she went to get ready for Shuri's dinner.

Shuri said she had arranged a _dinner_. Natasha expected just their family and her and Steve there, she didn't expect at least ten more people joining them. James cleaned up nicely, his long hair in a loose bun. He was sitting by himself with a drink in hand and she could see how uncomfortable he was. She grabbed a champagne flute from a passing waiter before sitting across from the man. She didn't know what he was thinking, but she never really has. Wherever this thing between them was going, if there was still such a _thing_ , made her nervous. But just like in the Red Room, she made herself face the thing that made her nervous head on. And that has always been him.

_"James."_

_"Natasha."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things I want to clear up because I feel like they weren't???:  
> -The Mr. Stark during the Paris mission was Howard.  
> -The Red Room bits were set during the late 50s.  
> -I followed Natasha's comic canon re: the chemical enhancements that stopped her aging.  
> -I did without Alexei because I just didn't feel like it.  
> -Everything else is basically MCU canon except this was set before IW and Endgame.
> 
> I'm not sure about this ending. I didn't want to angst it up too much just because.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I appreciate every single comment and feedback so much <333 This is part of my buckynat cinematic universe series lmao so for more on these two, follow that!
> 
> Thank you again so much I can't believe I literally posted an update every single day but that's what happens when you're avoiding responsibilities <3


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